Ariel.

Saved with amazing grace. (SWAG)

In love with Jesus Christ.

Yahweh Shammah. The LORD is there.

2 Corinthians 3:5-6 Hosea 6:6

“Life’s too short to drink crappy coffee and cry over boys who don’t care.”
-Matty Healy (the 1975)

I’m standing here, stuck in Saturday and all that’s running through my mind is that maybe these bones were just a little too dry. I feel so parched and empty, like I can’t hold onto the fact that the omnipresent God is all around me and in me and He is very much alive, not on that cross where I left Him, not in that tomb where I was laid too.
This in-between just feels so full of nothing that I forget today remembers the day that Death realized it could not hold You. And death feels all around me.
All that runs through my mind is how You said, “This one’s on Me” when Your hands weren’t even dirty. You took the filth that belonged to me, the sin I choose quite consciously and You pulled the death from my dying heart as I threw my stones and You accepted those too, gladly. You took the dying that I knew so intimately and You put it to death with love that is so much stronger and deeper than any hate I could ever see. In just three days, You broke the cage and You set me free. By The Life in His Death

Sometimes I just have a really hard time remembering that Jesus loves me in the midst of all my failure and laziness and imperfection. He loves my heart right here and right now in the midst of all my striving to change it. His patient love is there whether mine is or not.

I guess I knew it wouldn’t change a thing.

And just as much as it is a relief, there’s a touch of heartache in me.  He leaves in less than six months and as of yet, we’ve not both had feelings for each other at the same time.  Do we love each other? Yes.  Are we in love with each other? He is not.  And that’s okay, because we made the unspoken decision long ago that our friendship is more important than any romance.  I went out on a limb, and as it started to break from the weight of it all, I found I still had the ability and the opportunity to step back from the branch to the heart of the tree.

Maybe one day, but for now it is not so.  He is still my best friend and for that I am so thankful.

Repentance.

It’s is a response to God’s love and forgiveness. Be honest with Him. He is not shocked by your sin. Change your mind and align it with His. To repent so to change your mind and the direction in which you are going. True repentance costs you something. Your identity changes. Who you are goes from being defined by sin to being defined by Christ. Metanoia.

I am weak. But in my weakness, there is strength. If everything were made of metal, I would be the weaker kind. Every circumstance that hits me wears me down and I, in all my fragility, cannot help but be abrasively reduced to nothing. But in all my nothingness, there is something. The strongest metal is inside of me and every wear and tear is revealing more of Him in me. Come, wear me down, tear me up. For He is greater than I and nothing you can do will even scratch His surface. He is infinity in my heart and I will praise Him even when there is nothing left of me but ashes. He restores. He is the strongest metal. And He lives inside of me. By Excerpts from my mind #17

#fallingapart

Sorry for the personal post, but it’s been a rough night and I needed to get it out.

I was at work tonight and a customer came in to order two pounds of coffee.  Simple enough, except that we’re low on certain roasts because the owner/roaster is on vacation and didn’t order the bean shipment to come in today.  I knew we were low on Guatemalan and, go figure, the customer wants that.  So I apologize and let him know that we don’t have enough.  He wasn’t too upset and said it’s fine to just choose a different kind.  The other girl rings him up and I start getting the coffee together.  I didn’t think to check that we had New Guinea (the other pound he wanted) and it turns out we were out of it.  So I apologize again and ask if I can get him a different roast.  This time, he blows up at me, informing me how unprofessional I am that I let the other girl ring him up before checking all the supplies, telling me that I was a terrible employee and completely wasted his time.  I offer him a refund and he demands it, so I go over to refund him for the pound he didn’t get, assuming he still wanted the pound I already ground up for him.  Not only does he start yelling at me because I didn’t refund him the whole thing, he starts telling me he’s going to tell my boss about me and do everything he can to get me fired because “he knows my boss”.  I refund him the whole thing, and give him his receipts with shaking hands, offer him the free pound of coffee, and he gives me a death glare, asks my name to report me, and says, “I just needed my damn refund” and storms out.

I was upset to say the least.  Then, I finally finish closing and get back to the house to find the fridge invested with ants. ants. My God, there’s ants everywhere and it’s just too much after I’m so sick of living in this psycho house with disrespectful people and not having enough money to move out and I don’t know who to talk to and my first instinct is to come running back to one of the guys in my life who have hurt me but I can’t do that.  It’s only going to hurt me more but I just want some emotional stability and I’m just falling apart because my parents never gave me that and I just can’t deal with any of this right now.

I’m just kind of falling apart right now and it feels like no one is strong enough to hold me together.

God, help me….